Those who know me in real life would not hesitate to tell you that I write with far greater skill than I speak. On paper or screen I comport myself with a fair amount of ease. When I speak out loud, however, my mouth tends to sever its connection to my brain and carry on at its own pleasure. When I am tired, excited, or both, I will come out with phrases ranging from the simply nonsensical to the genuinely alarming.

Some of my family was up for a visit this weekend. My parents and my brother, Beardacles, were staying in our apartment building’s guest suite. Apparently Beardacles’s pull-out bed was not up to snuff.

“My mattress was this thin,” he explained, “and it rested across three metal bars.”

“Well,” I solicitously replied, “there are lots of extra blankets and comforters in the bedroom closet. You should just take some of them and make a bread palace.”